April 30

I seem to be thinking a lot about what I've been doing lately. And I'm not sure what it is or what it means.

Summer is almost here. I have less then a week left at school. I have been so excited for summer to come, but now that I really think about it, it means half of my college experience is over. It's going by so fast, as I knew it would, just like high school did and pretty much my entire life up until now. I want to go back or maybe stop time for a while. I've always hated growing up. I would choose not to do it if I could. I am sad to see this school year end, but summer is around the corner and will hopefully fill my body with whatever it seems to need to make me happy.

we live in a beautiful world

April 29

April 28

April 27

April 26

I have these stitches in my mouth and every time I smile or laugh I can feel them pulling. I can feel the pain surge through my lip. I never realized how much I laughed and smiled throughout a day until now.

April 25

Lately I've been so caught up in everything, school, etc... But summer is in less then two weeks, which I am both happy and sad about. I feel like I have somehow lost myself in these past few weeks. Lost in the chaos of school life. I need to get back to where I want to be.

April 24

I need to get away, to feel again.

April 23

April 22

April 21

April 20

Little do you know what goes through my mind. The things you say, the things you do. I sit here and observe. I silently collect my feelings and opinions in my mind. I never speak them. Not yet at at least. I'm waiting. I keep it all inside for now. Thinking. Waiting. Thinking.

April 19

Iron & Wine tonight.

April 18

April 17

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...who would have known how bittersweet this would taste

April 16

I have a journal where I write down my thoughts. Not a diary that involves the events that happened in my day, but just random thoughts that come to my mind. I have a lot of them. I write things I would never write on this blog. I write things that no one will see. I don't have to be censored with my writing or concerned about people's reactions. I write down feelings that will completely change two hours later. It helps.

the loveliest words, whispered and meant?

April 15

April 14

Sometimes I think about how my life was a year ago. How things were different. How my feelings were different. I was different. I think about how naively happy I was and how secure I felt. I can only hope that I will feel that happy and secure again in the future. A better time, a better place. I often feel like I am just waiting for it to come; for the happiness to flood my body again and make me feel like I am the lucky one for once. I know it will come again. I have hope. I have changed from who I was a year ago and I know it will make a better future for me in the relationships I am in and the situations I encounter.

April 13

I really want a purple hippo pillow pet.

I have stuff I want to write about, but haven't had time yet. Maybe tomorrow.

April 12

I've come to realize that reading books saves me from my own self-craziness. Distractions from reality.

April 11

April 10

April 9

though spring it did come slowly, I guess it did its part. my heart has thawed and continues to beat

April 8

April 7

April 6

A crushing feeling upon your chest. That idolized moment stolen away from your memory. It meant so much to you, but then only to discover it meant nothing to the other person.

Sometimes I have no hope and I feel pain. And I don't know why

April 5

Do you ever have a bad dream, and when you wake up you almost think it's real. And that dream haunts you for the rest of your day, hovering over your head, settling into your thoughts. Was there a reason for the dream? Does it mean something...or nothing...it was just a dream right?

As I passed the lobby on my floor of the dorm today, I saw this beautiful light that poured across the hill. It made the grass look a vivid green color; like the earth was hopeful that spring was on its way. I ran to get my camera from my room, but when I returned the light was gone. In a matter of seconds it had turned from something of beauty to dark stormy clouds. But I find beauty in the dark stormy clouds as well.

I'm full of fictions and fucking addictions and I miss my mother

April 4

It's the sense of touch...I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

April 3

It's like I'm giving up a piece of my soul. A piece that has been with me for almost my entire life. A piece that cannot be replaced.

April 2

April 1

"Becca, I want to be like you when I grow up." This is what Meghan said to me today at rehearsal for Sleeping Beauty and Firebird. Meghan is about five or six years older then me so when she said this I was puzzled. She went on to say how beautiful I look on stage and how I make dancing look effortless. I almost don't believe it when she says this because I have no confidence in myself and what I do. Coming from her, it is a huge compliment and means more to me then I think she knows. One of my loyal followers on this blog, Amy (here's your shout out Amy haha), gives me little compliments all the time as well. Whether it's that my costume goes well with my eyes or that I did an amazing job on a step in class, she always makes me smile. Maybe one day I will believe what people say to me. Maybe I will believe it when they tell me I'm beautiful and that when I dance it's enjoyable to watch. I try so hard for everything I do so it means something when someone notices; like I'm actually doing something right for once and I'm succeeding at something that I have worked for my entire life. I try and dance every performance like it's my last because at this point in my life, it very well might be, and that scares me more then anything.