September 30

I can't put into words how I am feeling right now. There's nostalgia and anger and resentment and envy. But none of that seems exactly right. I just want to rewind.

September 28

I need to make my own way because I can't do this anymore. I can't feel this way anymore. I need someone to come and prove me wrong. And now it's raining and it's beautiful and I wonder why my life can't be like that again.


He’s my whole world.

Don’t ever say that about anyone again. Not even me.

September 26

Today is my birthday. Really it's no different then any other day, except some people might be extra nice to me. I guess I'm supposed to feel "special." Birthdays are too hyped up. Except when you are a kid and it's like the entire world revolves around you and it's awesome. I remember for my 7th birthday party I had a wild dance disco thing at my house. I had my babysitters come and paint all of my friends nails and then we pretty much danced to n'sync, backstreet boys, and britney spears the rest of the night. For a majority of the party though I distinctly remember sitting under a table and just watching all of my friends socialize and have fun. I dont know why I did that.

September 25

Tomorrow I turn twenty. Why do I feel this strange nostalgia to being young. Something about not being a teenager anymore scares me. I don't want to mess up my future or make the wrong choices. And I think I'm afraid of the future not being as good as my past.

September 22

I need something to look forward to. I can't just wander around, waiting.

September 20

This may sound stupid, but I think I need to do more of the things that make me happy. Obvious, right?

September 17

I can smell the change in the air. Feel it blow across my face. See it just barely creeping around. It reminds me of all the other times. How different each one was, yet still so vivid of a memory. And it makes me sad that those moments have passed because I wish to live in each of them forever. But we live in the present.

September 16

Why do I have to keep asking myself whether I'm happy or not? Maybe I need to stop questioning it all and let it be. Let it go and just accept that maybe something good is happening. Instead of living in the fear, waiting for something bad to come and destroy it all.

September 12

I always try to find meaning in everything I see or hear or experience. But maybe there is no meaning. Maybe everything is really meaningless and I'm wasting my energy.

September 10

September 8

The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That’s the only lasting thing you can create.

September 7

I couldn't help but think I was one sided with my feelings and it was killing me. I needed to feel it through my body and my bones and know that nothing else mattered. I think today helped a little, but I'm still looking for clarity.

I am disgustingly overwhelmed with all my school work.

September 5

It all just seems pathetic. You are better then that. I know you are.

September 3

I was so restless that I picked all the polish off my nails and I contemplated things. I don't know what I am. I think too much.

September 2

I'm back! Finally. Italy was beautiful. I saw so many different places and things and ate some of the best pasta and pizza I've ever had. It's been kind of crazy lately so I haven't been able to blog much. I just moved back to school so when things settle down hopefully I can get back to posting everyday.

People like to feel wanted and needed. That's all I want.