2012. I'm finally back from vacation and it's the new year, which means I'm finished with this blog. It is a weird feeling to think this will be my last post. I just read my entire blog from start to finish. It was interesting to see how the blog started out as and what it is now. I kind of laughed at the way I wrote in the beginning because it seems so juvenile to me now. I thoroughly enjoy writing after making this blog. I believe it has saved me in many ways, and I hope people enjoy reading what I have written. As I was reading my old posts, I couldn't help but become emotional about what I had written. Especially in the beginning, I can remember so vividly the pain I was in and I thank god that I'm not in that place anymore. I can't put into words how much I hate reading them because I can feel the lump in my throat and the pain in my heart still lingering there. I can perfectly remember the the emptiness and the loneliness and the nothingness I felt and how I dreaded waking up each morning. In the beginning I dug myself into a hole to try and escape it. Sleep was the only escape. You have distinct memories of certain periods in your life, and lying in my dorm room bed by myself, trying to sleep when the sun was out is how I remember myself from the first half of this year. Over a year ago, just before I started this blog, I was in a very painful place. I can remember one night, I was leaving rehearsal and it was the time when I couldn't stomach any food because of what was going on in my relationship. I left the theater and walked up to my car in Northampton and I called my Mom to tell her how horrible I was feeling. Before I could get any words out I started to cry and hyperventilate. My body started to purge everything from my stomach, which was really only water. It kept pushing and pushing even though nothing was coming out. It was like it was trying to push out everything bad from my body, but unfortunately you can't push out emotions like that. I was gasping for air not being able to make sentences as I sat there on the street next to my car feeling so helpless. It was my lowest point I have ever felt and I can only appreciate that I don't feel that out of control and that helpless now. I went through many things in this past year, but I think I have finally found a place within myself where I can love the people around me, but still rely on myself. I have changed as a person, grown up somewhat as everyone does as time moves on. I absolutely love this blog and everything it is from the fine minute details to the big picture. If I had to sum up this whole year in one word, I would say
clarity
For so long I was unclear and uncertain about how I felt. Unclear of who I was or who I was trying to be. I didn't know how to make myself better or how to accept things that had happened. I was continuously searching for an answer to the most basic question and I couldn't find one. Over this year I struggled with a very divided self. About people, about school, about family, it all was divided. I am happy though that through it all I can say that I have found clarity in at least some points in my life. It feels like such a relief to know that I really want this. I have been waiting so long to feel this way and it took literally an entire year for it to happen. The clarity on this part of my life is the most important to me because it is my support system, it's part of my happiness, it's my best friend.
I was holding myself back for so much of this year because I was afraid. Afraid of getting hurt, and being rejected, and not being loved. I became so guarded that I didn't let myself truly believe what I was feeling. I thought this was the right thing to do because I thought then I wouldn't get hurt. I don't know why I tried to kid myself that it was a better place to be because it's not. It wasn't a better place and now I want to go back and be open and feel everything for what it is. Last year my new years resolution was to be happy. I'm not quite sure if I accomplished that, but I'm on my way. I have certainly had moments of happiness that I can store away with the rest. For this year I want to make sure that I put my whole self into everything. I don't want to hold back anymore. I want to feel it all and be passionate about every little thing. I spent to much time trying to put up a wall and now I want it to be broken down and for me to really see what I have. Thank you to everyone who read my blog. This whole experience means so much to me and I'm glad I shared it with everyone. I'm going to start a new blog soon and once I do I will post the link on here. I encourage everyone who has even a slight inclination to write to do it. It will open up so much about yourself and things that you never knew. Never be ashamed of what you write or what you do, just be passionate about it all and there will be no regrets. I have had many painful moments in this past year but also many beautiful moments that went along with it. It feels strange saying goodbye to this, but my writing will always be fueled by the people around me and the passions that they bring with them, spilling into my own life.
you decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in, you get a second chance, every second
my new blog http://birdseed-shirts.tumblr.com/
