December 22

See you in 2012

December 21

December 20

December 19

4

December 18

Then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

December 17

December 16

I was looking for a way out, but instead I think I just found a different circumstance to live in what I already had. There's dark and light, and right now it's the light. Or maybe it's just slightly dim and opaque. I can't really tell anymore.

December 15

December 14

My semester is finally over and now I can relax for five weeks. This blog is almost finished and it's a very surreal feeling. Unfortunately I can't blog up until the first day of January because I'm going on vacation in a week and won't be back until after January first, but my plan is to do one more post when I get back and sort of summarize things? I don't think those are the exact words I'm looking for.

I feel like I have lost myself into nothing, but I have found myself in something again. I want to combine it all. I've forgotten parts of me because of what I am in now and I wish I could somehow cohesively bring it all together.

December 12

December 11

December 10

December 6

December 5

this modern love, its got nothing to do with anything we're made of

December 4

I saw City and Colour last night. Dallas Green's voice is astonishing.

The other night my brother gave me a poem he had just written and asked me to read it. I asked him what the assignment was and he said there wasn't one, he just felt like writing. The poem was about a balloon flying to different places and learning different things. I was impressed with the concept of it. He then said that he sometimes goes through these "literary phases" where ideas come to his mind and he likes to write them down. Well done brother.

December 2

November 30

November 29

I wish I knew if I was in a better place now then I was before.

It's radically different then heartache and I don't know how to describe it.

November 28

November 27

take these broken wings and learn to fly
take these sunken eyes and learn to see

November 26

I saw my old ballet studio perform the nutcracker tonight. It still makes me sad that I've graduated and I'm not a part of it anymore, even though it's been 3 years. I feel like a part of me is missing and I have this longing to be up on stage dancing with my friends and actually enjoying what I do. I wasn't able to dance this semster at school because my nursing program wont let me, but next semester I'm going to anyways. I don't care if they tell me not to because this is what actually makes me happy.

November 25

And I honestly can't remember what my life was like before you were in it.

November 24

happy thanksgiving

November 23

 

Yum?

My friends warm my heart.

November 22

November 21

they were kids that I once knew

November 20

I find myself staring at the ceiling trying to form all the little dots into things they aren't. I see an 8 and a 5 and a dinosaur; the ones with the really long necks. I squint my eyes to make my vision all blurry because I think it might help me distinguish different things. I don't like what it looks like without this lack of acuity because without it, it looks like nothing.

November 19

November 16

November 15

November 14

I feel bad that I having been slacking on this blog the past few months.  When I started I used to post every single day, which was my goal and now it's every few days, if even that. I regret not posting more becuase I really enjoy going out and taking pictures and writing down what I am thinking and feeling. This new school year has consumed me more then I would like. I have no time for myself. All I want to do is dance and take pictures and write and read and listen to music and play music and be with people that I enjoy and do none of what I'm actually doing right now. Is that a problem?

November 11

Make me a bird.

November 9

I saw Blind Pilot last night and it was absolutely amazing. I saw them two years ago in Northampton and they were exactly the same as I remembered them from the scruff on the lead singers face to the flannels they all wear. For their last song the whole band climbed off stage onto the floor with everyone, unplugged all of their instruments, and played my favorite song.  I was probably two feet away from the lead singers face and it was mesmerizing. Everyone had to be quiet to hear because they weren't using microphones. It was so simple and so effortless that there is nothing that I can compare it to.

It's temporary. I get it now.

November 8

November 7

You're beautiful; a generic statement. They can say it without even looking at you because it's what you want to hear.  But when he looks at me and looks at my whole face like he's examining every inch, every part of my skin, and then looks into my eyes and says it, I believe him. And I never want that to go away.

This next paragraph has nothing to do with the previous.

In some ways I doubt it, and not because of what it is now, but because my view has changed on everything and because of outside forces that always seem to get to my core. I hate it all.

wait, they don't love you like I love you

They don't know you like I know you

November 6

Authentic zoomass

November 2

November 1

2 months left.
How did this happen?

October 31

Mom - "Everything passes. There shouldn't be anything in life that makes you so stressed that you make yourself sick because eventually it will be gone."

Sometimes I dont think I give my mom enough credit for the person she is and what she means to me. I don't know what I would do without her.

October 29

I wonder if it's possible to have all types of happiness at once.

I don't think it is. But I don't know which type is most important to me yet.

October 24

October 23

This post is a few days late.

I have never seen such talent in my life. He did things that I don’t think anyone else could musically do. It was so unique and so amazingly perfect and full of passion.  I think it is rare to find or see someone that unique and I feel privileged to have been able to watch him perform. His music memorized me and he is the definition of a truly talented artist.  It makes me wonder how people can actually think that musicians like taylor swift or justin beiber make exceptional and satisfying and talented music (sorry to tswift fans). The skills he showed and the art and emotions that he expressed were something that I hope everyone is able to feel or see in their lifetime. Andrew Bird you are authentically perfect.

October 19

October 18

I always feel so separate, and it has been apparent to me for a while. I'm done with feeling excluded and done with being treated differently. I don't care if they don't understand me, but don't leave me out because of it. I don't fit in, and I don't want to because I would rather be how I am then how they all are. It make me more appreciative of the people I do have who understand me and love me for it. I'm so tired of feeling alone here.

October 17

This is my favorite time of year. It always feels new to me; like we are starting a new year, even though in reality the number hasn't changed yet. It's a fresh start. Everything always seems to be different in my eyes. The place, you, your friends. Maybe not in drastic ways that are obvious, but in small minute ways that will catch your attention on occasion. I also think this is when the world is most beautiful; when everything is dying. But it all looks so lovely as it falls. 


fall is my favorite season, like falling to reasoning why

   

October 14

October 13

I wonder if she feels as I do.

I need to learn not to waste my thoughts or lose my contentment over these people that drive me crazy because they don't matter in the slightest. But for some reason they always creep into my life and I despise it because it almost makes me rethink things...almost. But it shouldn't because like I said, they don't matter. I don't want to have to deal with all that and I shouldn't have to, considering what I have been through. It's not worth it. And I always wonder whether I can be free from it all.

I fear I'm dying from complications, complications due to things that I've left undone