February 11

I have a lot of things I need to say. I wrote something right when I woke up this morning, but I'm not going to post that. The things I wrote were very hurtful and degrading and that's not the person I am or want to be. Instead I'll write short, nicer summary of what I have already written and some other thoughts to go along with it.

I woke up with absolute hatred and anger in my heart. I'm angry at you and at myself. I was so stupid to believe, so foolish to think, so childish and naive to hope for a future with you in it. I should of learned my lesson the first time, but I guess I try to see the best in everybody no matter what they have done to me in the past. Expectations are never reality. All the images in my head of us were shattered. I was trying to be a good person and be nice to you, and you turn around and stab me in my heart again and again. You think you know pain? Just wait. Wait until you realize that you will lose everything you ever wanted and hoped for with us because of a decision you make. And the only person you have to blame is yourself. You said I was the only positive thing in your life right now, then it makes absolutely no sense why you would destroy that. As I cried myself to sleep last night into my pillow that I've cried 1,000 times into, I sit there and think. Think of how completely senseless I was. You have no idea what I have been through. I would never wish it on anyone, but you honestly have no idea. You were too blind to notice what was so severely wrong with me at the time. If you don't agree with any of this, then all I ask is that you prove me wrong. You say you want to change. Then just do it. You say you want me. Then show me with actions that you really want me. You say so many things, but they mean nothing unless you follow through. Only time and the decisions you make will tell. 

I believe that lovers should be tied together, and thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather, and left there to drown, left there to drown in their innocence

I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXYM6-X8c3o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UOGtTF_dz4&feature=related