July 28

I take a lot of pictures of flowers. I don't really know why. Chris got me roses the other day, which I took a picture of and posted. Today the roses had opened and were so incredibly beuatiful that I had to take another picture of them. A rose is my favorite flower. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because growing up I always received them after my dance performances. Or maybe it's because it's my middle name. Or maybe it's because it's my mom's favorite flower as well. I'm planning on getting a rose tattoo in the future. I want it to be black and white and shaded so it looks like a sketch someone has drawn. The only thing I'm scared about is it not turning out the way I want it to. I'm thinking of starting with something small first on my foot. Hopefully I'll do that within this year and then get the rose when I turn 21 or graduate college or something monumental like that.

July 26

For some reason I feel like everything is going to be ok. I think that's called faith?

July 25

Am I surprised by what you did? Yes and No. No because I had a feeling that something like this would happen. But also yes because I actually started to believe and trust you again, which now I'm not sure if that was a mistake I made. And no matter how much I think of myself as a strong person, I feel weak. Weak because I always seem to go back to you, the one person who has hurt me more then anyone else in my entire life. I don't get it. But maybe it's that I love you that much? I don't know anymore. You say you love me more then anything, you say you want to be with me, but then you go and do this horrible thing. I just always question as to why this happens to me. Me, the person who has done nothing wrong and has only tried to make you happy. I keep trying to make sense of things and I'm always asking why, but I guess it's something you can't make any sense out of. I don't want the kindness of my heart to be perceived as weakness, and I don't want my forgiveness to be taken granted for. I won't be here forever. Everyone has a breaking point and every time something happens I think this has got to be it...but it's not. I look at myself in the mirror and I'm ashamed at what I see. When did I become this person who lets people treat her like this and be ok with it? Well I'm not ok with it this time. I need to be shown how much you care and how sorry you are. And trust me, it is not going to be easy. That girl made me feel worthless and I hope she was worth you losing part of my love and my trust. But love is a strange thing and I still have this weird hope that it will all come back, and I believe you when you say you are sorry. Somehow I feel closer to you after all this has happened and I wonder if you feel that too. I feel like everything is out of our way now and we can go back to being us. I miss us more then anything in the world because that was when I had complete blissful happiness and that's all anyone ever wants.

July 24

I have no words. I have too many words.

look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive

July 23

July 21

July 20

Suddenly I was aware of how naked I was; not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense. Like nothing was hiding me anymore. I've been trying to hide for so long that I ended up hurting myself. I don't know why I am so scared. But now I need to try and let my guard down. Because it's worth it.

July 18

July 16

It all became clear to me. And now I know what I want. It's a great feeling after being so unsure for so long. Now I just have to see if it really can happen. But I am so incredibly happy that I have clarity now.

junk of the heart is junk in my mind

July 15

July 13

July 12

July 11

July 10

don't fool yourself in thinking you're more than you are, with your arms outstretched to me

July 9

July 6

I feel as though I have become a bit of a cynical person. I don't really like that I'm like this, but I find it hard to see the good in things. I think I'm just waiting for something to come along and prove me wrong to what I have experienced. I've been watching Sex and the City on tv sometimes and I never realized how interesting of a show it was until I saw one of the movies with my friend. In one of the episodes today, one of the girls was cheating on her boyfriend with an ex-boyfriend who was married to somebody else, and she was contemplating on whether to tell her current boyfriend what she had done. And she wondered if telling him the truth was a selfish act because it would make her feel better and less guilty. I thought a lot about that because that does make sense. You are going to hurt this person that you supposedly love to make yourself feel better about something horrible that you did. On the other hand though I think knowing the truth is better then living in a world of lies because at least with the truth you can know what kind of person they really are and not live in this fairytale world in which you believe everything is perfect. Nothing is ever perfect.

July 5

July 3

July 2

A lot of times I wish I could just stop time and go backwards. I don't like thinking about the future or having to make decisions that will affect me later in life. It all scares me. I really don't like getting older. I'm turning 20 in a few months and I actually might cry because that sounds so old to me. My friend Carolyn once told me that I'd rather go back in time and live in the past because my past is better then my present, and she's right. I hate wasting my days being alone. And the only thing I can do is hope that things will change because they always do.

Also, I really want a puppy.

July 1