May 31

May 30

I wish the words would stay longer in my mind and in my heart.

May 29

May 28

Words cannot describe how much I love these two people with me here.

May 27

I hate that I am such a weak person. I hate that I let people hurt me the way they do. I hate that I forgive people who don't deserve forgiveness. I hate that I can't stand up to the people that hurt me, and in the end I'm the one who suffurs. I hate how I feel like purging everything from my stomach to feel better. I hate that purging makes me feel better. I hate being so invested in the things I do. I hate that I don't get what I think I deserve.
I hate myself because it's my own fault.

May 26

May 25

May 24

Most of the time I only want to be awake for about 3 hours a week, and I never want to eat again. Then sometimes I get real excited about things and I wonder how I ever slept days away and I still do not want to eat that much. Sometimes I feel nothing is worth it. That this will be forgotten soon enough, and everyone is shitty anyways. Sometimes I could stay up all night telling you or you or you my thoughts on this or that, or planning moments and lives together for the future. Sometimes I never want to write or talk ever again. It's all the same cry for attention. I'm the same as everyone I can't stand, pathetic. Sometimes I just want to get really fucked up and write until it is raw and beautiful and ugly. Makes perfect sense and does not make sense at all. Sometimes I spend the entire day thinking about the things I should do while managing to do none of them. Sometimes all I want is to fall in love, fuck each others brains out for a few days straight and then fall asleep and never wake up again. Sometimes I can't think of anything I want in the entire world. Sometimes I want it all, and then some. Sometimes I am sweet. Sometimes I am starving with desire. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep.

May 23

As the light shines through my window in bright flashes, I sit and think. The soothing sound makes me calm. Things are better, but I still wonder. Too many things. I’m waiting, but I don’t know if it will be too late once the time is right. I’m not sure what to think or what to believe is real. I have thoughts bursting out of me, but I keep them at bay. I am different and things are different. I had this idea, but its not what I see, so only I can change that. If people don’t know what I’m talking about, good I don’t want them to know. And if they think they know, they are probably wrong. Maybe that’s the problem.

May 22

I love my new job.

now I've been leaning towards a life far more candid

May 21

May 20

May 19

May 18

May 17

May 16

I wont ever be your cornerstone

May 15

How can people be so blind sometimes? Or maybe they just choose not to see what is blatantly in front of them because it's the easier thing to do.

May 14

Sometimes it's nice. To think and feel like someone cares. That someone is there to talk to and understand you and comfort you. But really you are alone. You look and there's no one beside you. I'm sort of stealing this next idea from my friend's sister. You have this feeling inside where you think you will be alone for the rest of your life or that you have already experienced the best thing you will get. Neither are true, but that doesn't stop us from thinking and believing it just the same.

Something seems to make you think things are true when they aren't. I don't think I've given the wrong impression, seeing as you have never asked me my feelings or opinions. But who knows I could be wrong.

I'm waiting to see the beauty in this, but I have yet to see it shine through as I think it should.

May 13

So I couldn't post yesterday because blogspot was down all night, and then when I went on today my last post was deleted. So I had to repost that one and now this one. I don't like it when I miss days, but it wasn't really my fault this time.


I just want to forget everything. My mind and my heart need a break. I shouldn't have to be put through this.

May 11

I don't really know where I fit in. And I don't know what is expected of me. I don't think I ever knew.

we accept the love we think we deserve

May 8

I'm going to Kentucky for a few days so I wont be able to post. It's weird. This will be my first time not posting everyday. Hopefully I'll come back with a lot of pictures from Kentucky though. I really want to go to Churchill Downs.

May 7

Sibling love.

May 6

The hypocrisy makes me angry.

May 5

My mind has been consumed with sadness lately. I knew why, but didn't want to say. I try to have no expectations, but in reality I know I do. I'm terrified of them not happening; of getting hurt. Then again nothing ever happens the way people plan it out to be. But these thoughts of failure run through my mind and are the reason that I can't sleep at night. I know I'm strong, and if it comes down to it I can live through the pain as I do each and every day.

On a happier note my friend Jamie and I got tickets to see Death Cab For Cutie in August. It overwhelmed me with joy; something that I was in need of. And no one can take that away from me.

May 4

These thoughts are starting to wear on my mind. They are making me tired. Too tired to carry on.

My dad calls me late last night, his voice shaking. I can tell that something is wrong. He is crying and says his dad died about 2 minutes ago. All I can say is I'm sorry. I'm not sure what else. He says he isn't sad because of the death, he is sad because he never knew him. I will be sure not to make the same mistake because I can see the pain and regret in his eyes from it.

It's always a strange situation when one of your parents cries. You have to be the one who comforts them and takes care of them. The roles are reversed.

May 3

This was my cheat sheet for my final microbio quiz. It took me six hours to type up. I walk into the test and the teacher gives everyone 100% for showing up. I'll take it.

Occasionally I go back and read my previous blog posts. Some like February 23 make me very emotional, remembering writing it and experiencing it. There was one post that I refused to go back to for a very long time, January 16. I wasn't sure how I would feel about rereading it or how I would react. Finally the other day I decided to go back and read it. I remember everything so vividly, that whole night. I can remember you crying into my arms, choked up that you couldn't even get your words out. I don't think I had ever seen you cry before except one other time, but it wasn't anything like the way you were breaking down in front of me. You looked up at me and asked if I would miss the idea of you or if I would actually miss the person you were. I let you cry into my arms, holding you against my chest. Of course I would miss the person you were. How could I not?

May 2

I know it ain't easy giving up your heart, nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it

May 1

So it's May 1st. It has been 4 months since I started this blog. 120 days. Over 120 pictures. It has been difficult at times trying to post everyday, but I'm extremely proud that I have kept it up for this long. I don't think I will be able to do this everyday in the summer, but I'll try my best. If I could use one word to describe myself these past months it would be                divided.

Today I had a lot of fun. Dic3 loves.