June 30

It's hard when you finally realize something, but you don't want to believe it and don't want it to be true. And you would give anything to make things right and happy.

June 28

life's too short to even care at all

June 27

So I'm kind of disappointed in myself for missing so many days on this blog recently, and I have no good excuse for it. Anyways, a few days ago my aunt came to visit from California and for the first time in years my family actually sat down and ate together. It was really strange to have my mom, dad, brother, and I sitting down for a meal together again. We used to have a family dinner every night before my parents got divorced and now most nights I just make myself something and eat alone. I think some kids don't realize how lucky they are to have a family who is together and to have a family who sits down and eats with each other. It's something that a lot of kids complain about and I used to as well, but now I'd love to have that in my life again.

The other night I randomly went to the Dispatch concert in Boston. I wish I had brought my camera. I'm glad I went though. Young the Giant opened for them and I had only known a few of their songs, but I was really impressed with how they sounded live. Personally I think it's better then how they sound recorded. The lead singer, Sameer Gadhia, got so into his music. There is nothing more sexy to me then to see a guy be so into what he is doing and not care what he looks like or what people are thinking. I think that is why I'm so attracted to guys who play instruments.

Have you ever noticed how one person can be three completely different people; who they are by themselves, who they are with you, and who they are around other people such as their friends or strangers. In a perfect world I think people would be the same person in all three scenarios, but that's not the norm. And what happens if you really like one side of a person, but dislike the other? And does that mean a person is fake around other people, or fake with you, or fake with themselves? But you will never know what the person is like when they are just with themselves unless that's the real person they are in every situation no matter who is there. I didn't write this idea like I wanted to because I'm kind of in a rush. But I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

June 26

I have really been slacking lately on this blog. I don't really know the reason why. I'll hopefully write more tomorrow.

his smile is a disappointing reflection of who he used to be

June 22

Maybe I'm addicted to the pain. Or maybe the good just overshadows the pain at certain times, but it always comes back. But it can't stay like that forever. I can't live with that forever. My mom came into my room today while I was taking a nap and said "I think you're depressed." My room is extremely messy right now so I'm not sure if that was why she said it or if it was the fact that I was sleeping at 4 P.M. I kind of laughed because I found it amusing that these things would make her think that. Then again, I don't really know what I am.

some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon

June 20

June 19

June 18

June 16

June 15

June 14

I haven't been writing on this blog lately because I haven't been liking what I write. Not that I dislike the style I write in or the way it comes out, but the subject matter of my words. I write things in my journal, but I don't feel as though I can put them on this blog for the world to see. I know I said I was going to try and put my whole self into this blog when I started it, but something is stopping me. I don't want people to know everything I'm thinking, especially certain people. I don't feel safe.

It's weird. People say certain things at different times in their lives and in the moment they really do mean what they say. But then things change and what they said isn't the truth anymore. Does that make everything they said in the past a lie too?

In life there is that one person you want to be able to count on, but you can't. You want them to be strong and to be there for you, but they won't. Your world and life would be so much better and even happy if they could do that. But life isn't about being happy all the time and I wonder when the day will come where I will realize what I'm doing to myself.

June 12

and every breath we drew was Hallelujah

June 11

June 9

I roll the window down, and then begin to breathe

June 8

June 7

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

June 6

June 5

June 4

I want to laugh like I never have before. To have a moment where I can step back, look at it, and soak up all the warmth it brings me and truly cherish every second of it. To love without fear, regret, and something holding me back. To just be lazy all day with one person, but enjoy the laziness and not become bored. To feel like I am a part of something that makes up a whole and without me it cannot exist. To feel like someone cares for me as I do for them, without any doubts. To be true to who I am at all times and to let myself shine through and create those beautiful moments I know I can have. To let the past be the past, learn from my mistakes, and be a wiser person from them. To feel so much love that it is actually bursting from my heart like it has in the past. To be envied by people again and to make them think how can I have that? To learn new things and enjoy learning them. To hold hands and feel like there isn’t a closer bond. I really just want to be warm yellow light that pours all over everyone I love.

June 2

Now everything is about to change.

June 1