March 31

March 30

Reactions. Why does my heart still beat like this; ferociously as if it wants to rip out of my chest. I don't want to feel. Numb. No pain. I don't want to physically feel my heart breaking again and again. Desperately wanting to shut myself off from it all, but it seems impossible. I just repeat over and over in my mind, "you feel nothing, you feel nothing, you feel nothing." Maybe, maybe with enough repetition it will be true. I need it to be true.

Have I mentioned how much I despise facebook.

March 29

March 28

I think I've realized that part of my happiness relies on the happiness of those who I consider important in my life. Even when I am perfectly content and proud of who I am, I still don't feel completely happy. I don't like the fact that part of my happiness relies on other people like this because to me it seems like it's a full proof way to get hurt. I think I rely on people in this way because I am too compassionate of a person sometimes, but I know that's who I am and I don't think I can change that. I'm not sure if I want to change that.

March 27

March 26

It was Super Hero day at PVB today. I feel so lucky that I was able to find a studio that I could dance and perform ballet after I graduated high school. Not only does this place remind me of my home studio, but the people here were so welcoming to me when I first came and I am truly attached to them now. Everytime I think that my performance next week will be my last, I don't believe it. Dance has been such a huge part of my life. I have surrounded my entire existence around it, and now I have to deal and I have to accept the fact that it's ending. Because of nursing school I won't be able to attend rehearsals and be in performances. Not only will I miss the dancing, but I will also miss the people that I have met. Dance has lead me down a path unique to any other. I want to write another blog post in the future that will go into more detail about it. Ballet has always been like another family to me. I am still in denial and I still cannot imagine what my life will be without it. But that regrettable future is hanging over my head, approaching closer as each day goes by.

March 25

All of a sudden I am terrified of what the future will bring. I don't think it can be what I want because of forces beyond my control. What I want is fully possible, but there are obstacles in my way, bigger then I may be able to overcome. And I'm not sure if I'm worth it. Am I?

March 24

The clouds looked as if they were painted onto the sky today.

March 23

What's inspiring you?
I find that I am inspired by people. If I meet a person that has qualities I admire, I will take a piece and add it to myself. I am made up of little bits of people who have been in my life at one point or another. I try to add things that will make me become the person I want to be. I hope to inspire other people as well, and maybe they can take a piece of me and it can live on in them as they develop and change into who they are becoming. I also am often inspired by nature and the world around me. I carry around my camera to try and capture the beauty I see. Sometimes I feel that other people don't open their eyes enough and see the beauty that surrounds them.

March 22

rings of flowers round your eyes and I love you, for the rest of your life, when you're ready
^click

Remember when I talked about the moon a few days ago? If you don't just scroll down and read March 19th. I was looking online and found out that apparently that moon was the closest it has been to earth in eighteen years. They called it a "supermoon." It was 30% brighter then a normal moon would be. I can remember looking up into the sky wondering why it was so white and beaming with light.  

March 21

It's hard to watch the person you love make choices that aren't beneficial for them and not live up to the person you know they are capable of being. You feel useless and you try so hard to help, but in the end you are helpless. It feels like you mean nothing to the person, even if you know you do. It's a struggle with yourself, trying to aid the person and failing to do so. Like every attempt you make seems to go to shit, but no matter what, you will keep trying until it may kill you. Because they are all that matters, and seeing them be the person you know they can be brings you more joy then seeing yourself succeed. I cry not out of sadness or anger, but out of pure overwhelming emotion. It is sometimes unbelievable, even to me, how much emotion I can feel towards a person.

All the purple pages in my journal were used up today. They were my favorite. Onto red.

March 20

It's quite annoying when you don't get the reaction or answer you want from someone. Disappointing in a way. Like they let you down; you expected more of them.

I've returned to school. This morning I woke up still at home in the comfort of my own bed. I wrapped myself tightly in my comforter, not wanting to leave the state I was in of warmth, comfort, and security. It felt like if I took one step onto the floor it would be shattered. Of course I eventually got up. Back to reality, but it's more like fantasy here at school. At school we live in this world that is unique to any other. You see your best friends 24/7. If you do things right, you have little consequences to your actions. Nothing really shocks you anymore. I feel that this is the only place that your mind will think like that because the real world is nothing like it. I can remember my first night freshman year. My eyes wide open taking in my surroundings, whispering to myself "is this real." For four years we live in this oasis of whatever we make it to be. And then it's over.

March 19

This reminds me of Toy Story.

The moon was so vivid against the black night sky. Light seemed to be beaming from it's core. I don't think I have ever seen it so bright and burning, almost as if it were the sun.

March 18

Today is beautiful. You can feel the warmth the minute you walk outside into the sun. I walk down to the cemetary, which is only a street away from my house. I sit under a tree and read a book. Soon after I arrive, a van drops off an old women at one of the graves and drives a few rows back as if to give the woman space to grieve. Although I am several hundred feet away, I can hear the sobs escaping from the woman's mouth. She cries out for the one she has lost. Pulling a piece of paper from her pocket, she reads from it through her gasps for air and tears. She is so overwhelmingly distraught I feel guilty for sitting here and watching, as if I'm intruding. She runs a cloth all over the tombstone; cleaning every bit of it until it is shining beneath the sun. The van comes back and picks her up. I walk over to the grave that she has just been mourning over. The tombstone has beautiful birds on it. I hope my tombstone has something like that engraved into the rock.

I end today by taking a shower in the dark. I feel unsatisfied.

March 17

This is Carolyn and Katie, two of my best friends. I don't think words could describe how close our bond is. When you have been friends with people for over eight years, they become a part of you. Miraculously all three of us, along with our other best friend Tricia, have managed to stay friends since 6th grade. We made it through middle school, high school, and half of college and I can truthfully say we are as close or even closer to each other then when we were younger. Obviously it helps that we all attend the same college (completely unplanned), but I think it is a rare occurence to have in a person's life. People change, it's a fact. Some will go in and out of your life. High school especially changes people and I have experienced losing people that I have once called my best friends. But the four of us have stuck through everything together. We didn't lose each other among the wreckage of our teenage years. I feel so lucky to have this in my life because from what I witness, it's not very common.

I'm uncomfortable with the feeling of needing someone; needing someone like I think I need you.

March 16

Today I woke up to the sound of rain falling outside, beautiful and soothing. I have always loved the rain more than I love the sun.

I need to make sure that I don't forget everything I have learned in these past few months. I don't want to slip back into the person I used to be.

March 15

I had the most interesting and unique interview today. Can't wait to work on the farm this summer, even though nobody believes that I am capable of doing it. I just plan to prove them wrong.

now our lives are changing fast, hope that something pure can last

March 14

The majority of today didn't feel like reality to me. I was in this altered time of comfort and happiness. But maybe this can become reality eventually?

March 13

This is the breakfast Lara and I made for Brent this morning. I'm pretty proud of us.

I seem to be caught in between two sides of myself. These sides are polar opposites in their ideas, wants, and needs and they confuse me more than anything. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to choose which side is right and which is the one I want.

March 12

March 11

Sorry for the massive amount of photos I posted for today, but I couldn't decide which I liked best. My hope is that anyone who looks and reads this blog will enjoy all of them.

I woke up this morning and it felt like it was all a dream, but it wasn’t; it was real. When I saw you it seemed like it was yesterday that I left you standing alone in your driveway. Although months have passed it felt so natural to be with you again, like our bodies were somehow programmed to be together. It was like we had never left each other and like nothing had changed, but that’s not true. We have changed. Time and distance has changed me into what I believe is a better person and it will all work out for the better. There are so many questions I have to ask, but I don’t think I’m ready or need to hear the answers yet.

The concert was amazingly euphoric to say the least. I enjoy hearing live music no matter what band it is, but Bright Eyes is one of my favorites. The feeling of the music traveling through my body and the beat of the bass drum causing my heart to jump puts me in a trance of amazement and happiness. I wish I could have stayed there forever, happily caught up in the sounds that pour from my soul. When I look back at pictures I took I almost don’t believe that I was that close to a person whose music brings me so much comfort and somehow understands me in a way that no person ever could. What made the night even better was that you were standing right there with me. Feeling your hands on mine and the warmth of your presence as we swayed to the melody together, made it all the much better. After it was over you said that this day had been the happiest you had felt in a very long time and I can honestly say that I felt the same.

March 10

Bright Eyes concert tonight. So unbelievably excited.

March 9

I have so many thoughts in my head, but it feels like there's this fog that lies over them. Certain words stand out, but I can't place them together in a sentence to understand the meaning. I want to write more because I have so much to write about, but it's all too mixed up and unclear to me right now. I love those times when it just pours out of me with such haste and eagerness to appear on the page of my journal or the screen of my laptop, but right now it's stuck and I'm waiting for the clarity.

March 8

Maybe being alone isn't so bad. It's when you grow the most as a person. I think I have grown and that's a beautiful thing.

March 7

I'm in a cloud of uncertainty; not knowing what will happen next, not knowing what the future will bring. I'm waiting for that moment when I can be sure again because that's when I feel safe and secure, but this uncertainty fills my mind with too many thoughts.

don't leave my half a heart alone, on the water, cover me in rag and bones, sympathy, cause I don't wanna get over you

March 6

I guess what I regret is that I lost my best friend. That's what brings me the most pain.

March 5

March 4

March 3

My whole family has experienced depression. My mom, my dad, and even my brother at a very early age. They all need medicine to help their brains secrete happiness. I always thought I was the normal one and that I was the exception in my family. I was wrong.

you used to be alright, what happened?

March 2

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in the comfort of my bed at home, where I can be surrounded by my family; at a different time, a different place, as a kid again. My parents wouldn't be divorced yet. My mind wouldn't be so screwed up yet. I wouldn't have had my heart broken several times by various people. I would be innocent and pure, and not have a care in the world. I would be happy. I miss those times when life was that simple.

March 1

you're gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago