My mind is chaos. Pure blank chaos. I have no idea what I'm thinking or what I want to think. Actually I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to think about what just happened or what has happened in the past, good or bad, but I need to get this all out of my head and write it down. I said I wanted to be truthful when I post on this blog so I'm just going to let everything out.
When I first met you, never did I think you would become such an important person in my life. You surprised me so much when we started talking. I had this instant connection with you unlike anything I had before. It was summer and as usual I went away to dance for four weeks. Although I was away, we continued to talk and our relationship grew. Even though we hadn't ever hungout or had been with each other, I started to consider you one of my best friends. We could talk about anything and we could talk for hours without getting bored. When I came home from dancing, I only had a few weeks left before I headed off to college and you had even less before you started your junior year of high school. The first time we were together one on one I was nervous to see if we could continue our friendship face to face. Again, you surprised me. It was even better seeing you and being with you. I left for college and was happy to have you as my best friend. We texted constantly and when we talked on the phone it would be for hours. It was probably only about two weeks into my first semester when you told me you loved me. I remember the exact moment. I was sitting in sociology class not paying attention and talking to you and you said I love you. Of course I said I loved you back because I thought you meant as friends, but then you said no I really really love you; more then friends. So many thoughts went through my mind and I soon realized that I loved you too, but I didn't think there was anything we could do about it. I thought it would be impossible to have a relationship with a junior in high school while I was a freshman in college so we continued to talk and be best friends while both wanting more. I would come home and visit you and each time I saw you I fell more in love. I gave you your first kiss and you later told me how nervous you were to do it; this made me love you more. I felt guilty doing things at school because I didn't want to hurt you, and you hurt me when you did things with other people as well. After a while it didn't make sense why we weren't together if we were acting like it. When you asked me to be your girlfriend there was nothing more I wanted in the world. You made me so happy, beyond anything I had ever felt before. Our love grew everyday and I didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as I loved you. You had said that you didn't believe teenagers could fall in love, but that I had proved you wrong.
You told me you loved me and I believed you. You said I was perfect and I believed you. You told me I was beautiful inside and out and I believed you. You told me you wanted to be with me forever and that there was no one else in this world you would rather be with, and I believed you. You promised to never hurt me and I believed you. You promised me a life of joy with you that would last forever and I believed you. You told me I was your everything and I believed you. You said you wanted to marry me, have kids with me, make a life with me, and I believed you. You promised you would never let me go and I made the same promise, yet here we are apart. I wrote this next paragraph a little over a month ago and I have been debating whether or not to post it, but if I want to be truthful I know I should.
How can something so good become something so bad? It used to make me the happiest person in the world, but now it just brings me misery. I don’t know how we got here or how it turned into what it is. It’s a struggle to go through every day with the uncertainty in my mind. I just want to be numb, my mind, my body. I want to feel nothing because nothing would be better than this. You have broken me down one too many times and I have nothing left to give. I hate what you’ve done to me. I don’t understand it, if you loved me you should have let me go and saved me from this pain. The pain I feel everyday being with you and I just can’t handle it anymore. I know what I need to do but I don’t know if I can do it. I know I need you out of my life but I don’t know how to convince myself that that is fully the right decision. You have changed so much as a person and it is so sad to see. You were my best friend and my soul mate and now I don’t even know if I can say that you are someone I like. People change, I know that, and there is no point hanging on to you when I don’t feel that you are someone I want to be with. Maybe one day we can be together again. Maybe after we both grow up. But for now I have to say goodbye because this is toxic to my life and isn’t something I want. I don’t regret anything that has happened because we used to be so in love and it’s a shame that its not that way now. Why did you have to do the things you did. We were so great together, but I guess you make mistakes while you grow up, but you really lost something that may possibly be the best thing you could have. But maybe you don’t want that, maybe you don’t want the best thing. I know I need to make myself happy though and I can’t count on other people to do that for me. I said goodbye to the good part of our relationship long ago, and now there is nothing left except us both not wanting to let go. But someone has to do it.
When I wrote that I didn't mean everything I said. I wrote it out of anger and resentment towards you. I don't feel like being with you was as horrible as I wrote. Actually, the moments when we were together still made me happy, even at the end. Being alone with you made me realize how much I still loved you and why I was with you. The many different things you did to hurt me haunted me. I couldn't get them out of my mind. I have forgiven you a countless number of times when I don't think you really deserved forgiveness. You told me you wanted a second chance and I gave it to you. You said you wanted to be with me and didn't want to let me go so I said I would let you prove yourself. I tried so hard because I loved you and I don't think you did the same. You did nothing with your second chance so I'm not sure why I even gave it to you. I guess I was hoping that there was still something there inside of you, a piece of the person I fell in love with, not the person you are now. I deserve better. I have done nothing in comparison to what you did to me. There were times where you brought me so much pain that I physically hurt. It felt like you shoved a knife into my heart and left me there to bleed alone. I hate you so much for that and I am so angry at you for it. What kind of person does that to someone they "love." But in the midst of all the pain and suffering there was somehow happiness.
I have had so many great moments and memories with you. I don't regret anything we ever did because we were so in love with each other. It's painful to think about how in love we were. People were envious of what we had and I would think "wow, I'm so lucky." I think we could have that again, but not now. We need time apart to realize what we really had. The thing that I hate the most was that I lost you as a best friend. I have never had a friendship like yours and it's a shame that it's gone. Maybe one day we can have that again, but maybe we wont. There might be a day when I see you again, but we will both be different people, almost like strangers. You will replace me with someone new, if you already haven't done so. You will tell her how much you love her and how you want to spend forever with her, and I will only be a distant memory.
The last thing you said to me was "you were the best thing that ever happened to me." I believe you. What we had was truly amazing and I am so glad I experienced it with you. I would not trade anything for the world. I loved you so much and still do. I know you love me and I know it was hard for you to see us separate, but know that I am here forever. I would give anything to have what we had again. I don't think I can put into words how much love you have given me and how much I have given back. After writing all of this I honestly just want you to be here again with me. I want to feel the warmth of your arm around me and your lips kissing my cheek. I want to see your face and your eyes. I want to be with you. Maybe this is a mistake we made. Sometimes it seems like I can't and don't want to live without you. But this mistake will make us realize what we truly want.
