January 20

Today Carolyn, Tricia, and I went home to attend Katie's dad's wake. I wasn't sure how I felt about it initially. I obviously wanted to be there for Katie, but I didn't know how I would react to the situation when I was there. As the three of us drove home to the bury we talked about how we might feel when we got to the wake, but all of us had no clue what our reactions would be. When we walked in the door, the line to see the family winded throughout the funeral home. It was a beautiful thing to see so many people show up to comfort the family and show their love for them. As we got closer to seeing Katie, I began to feel a little nauseous. I started thinking about the situation and looking at all the pictures they had around for people to remember Katie's dad. My eyes began to tear up. We entered the room where they had an open casket and it was extremely hard for me to keep my composure. I had never seen a dead body in real life before so I was very unprepared. If I hadn't had Tricia and Carolyn right next to me, I don't know if I would have made it through. We went through and hugged each of Katie's family members. In a weird reversed role sort of way, it seemed like Katie's family was supporting us. They were all so strong, standing there together, and made me feel loved and thanked me for coming. Katie, I love you so much and I know that you and your family will pull through this tragic time because of the close bond that you all share with each other. After we left the funeral home there was silence. None of us wanted to say a word, maybe none of us knew what to say. We all knew what each other were thinking so there was no need to say anything. This is probably the worst week of my life thus far. It is so hard for me to keep it together right now. Just when I think I'm feeling better, something else happens to break me down again. I wish I could talk to you about Katie's dad and I wish I could be comforted by you, but I know I can't. You aren't that person for me anymore and I need to look elsewhere for that support. Times like this is when I miss you most, but I try not to think or dwell on it because there's no point.
one day I am gonna grow wings